Between the Horizons

If you were standing on the edge of the ocean and looking out over a calm sea; how far is it between you and the horizon - that line that marks the edge of the world?

The precise answer is based on some crazy mathematical formula including square roots and the height of your eyes from the ground, but the approximate answer for a person 5’8” (can you guess my height?) is 3.1 miles. But here’s the weird thing about horizons, no matter how fast I travel it will always be about 3 miles away. Like the elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, horizons are always out of reach, retreating backward as I progress forward, revealing to me in measured amounts all that I need to take in.

Can you imagine if the world really was flat? I mean so flat that with enough optical amplification you could actually see to the edge of the world? Wouldn’t that be weird? How uninspiring it would be to know the outcome before we began our journeys of life, love, work and living. What a blessing that life holds surprises for us at every crest.

Many people I meet are seeking an answer beyond their horizon; wishing their life away for an answer about tomorrow that seems more important than today. Others plant themselves firmly in the “good ol’ days” resigned to the “fact” that nothing will ever live up to what has already been. The life behind the horizon of the past is familiar and comfortable. The life that awaits us beyond the horizon of the future is full of possibilities sans any of the responsibilities. The life that lies between the horizons of however, can seem scary, overwhelming, boring or even a waste of time when compared to what our imaginations have done to the past and the future.

Many want to know how the story ends: will my wife and I survive our challenges? Will I find a job? Will my kids turn out alright? Will I survive the lay-offs? Will I get the promotion? So we put the pedal to the metal and race across the landscape of our lives on a highway of determination, all the while missing the scenery, detours, cafes and sites afforded us on the surface roads of our life.

There are certain things in life you aren’t supposed to experience until you have traveled a particular path and gone the distance. Our present gives understanding of our past and provides tools for our future. There are things we are meant to learn in the slow pace of progress and the experiences that lie between the horizons. The anticipation of what lies just over the crest can be a wonderful high and a powerful incentive, but I often wonder, for my own life, what important lesson or experience might I be missing in the now because I am focused on something I refuse to let go of, or is, as of yet, out of sight beyond the horizon of my experience.

To learn algebra we had to first learn basic math. To learn basic math we had to first learn our numbers. There is order and evolution to our lives and there seems to be value in honoring that evolution. Experiences build upon experiences in ways difficult to predict. As a result, many of us seek the short cut in hopes of being in control. Resting in the place of the unknown or the difficult can freak us out, so the tendency is to put our heads down and push through it. As a result, we find ourselves going through the motion of relationships or numbingly going to work, or going to bed each night without a single reflection or realization of what was great about our day, feeling like life is happening to us instead of with us. John Mayer sings, “It’s hard to beat the system when we’re standing at a distance, so we keep on waiting, waiting on the world to change.” If you feel like life is at a distance and if you are waiting on the world to change, then your life is being lived beyond the horizons. You will wake up each morning and go to bed each evening having the same experience as the day before. The calendar will change, but you will not.

The horizon isn’t there to taunt us with what we cannot see, it’s there to focus our attention on what lies in front of us, to wake us up to the experiences under our feet that we do control, to give us manageable amounts to take in and to ask ourselves; “what can I do in this moment, in this experience, to be conscious and aware of where I am and how this moment serves me and my dreams.” That is the powerful question to ask yourself everyday.

Life is a ball and I mean that both literally as a round sphere and figurative as in a good time. And like the horizon, as we circle the globe, we can only experience so much of it at a time. Sometimes things are so big beyond the horizon, such as a mountain, that we get a glimpse of their tips even before cresting the edge, but you can’t climb it until it falls within that distance between the horizons.

What Say Ye?

You need not look far to realize that while the song may proclaim this “The most wonderful time of the year” the truth of the matter is something quite different. Listening to neighbors, friends, the media, even the venerable Oprah Winfrey, there is less about good wishes and joyous times and more about the stress. The negative always takes the lead. On Oprah’s website she speaks of “surviving the holidays” and how “the holidays can be so demanding.” I was even called by a local talk show this month to come speak about “managing the stresses of the season.” I called the segment “Deck the Halls, Not the People!” (click here to watch) While many, including me, offer tips and ideas for handling and overcoming the stress, the language is still “stress,” “obligations,” “too little money,” “too little time,” or “traditional family feuds.” What in the name of Kris Kringle are we saying to ourselves?

Here’s the bottom line: What you focus on you will find. Focus on the stress and there will be plenty of examples to prove you correct, after all, there’s traffic, crowds, neighbors with better decorations or a prettier tree, last year Uncle Charlie got drunk and may likely do so again this year, and the list goes on. Focus on the joys, however, seek the merry and bright, look for the playful, goofy or downright hysterical parts of the holiday, and you will find plenty of those as well; such as the fellow with two grocery carts full of food who lets you ahead of him because you only have three items, or the smiles from strangers, or the smell of the evergreens, or the laughter of children, or your missing six month old child found sleeping peacefully in the laundry basket surrounded by three first graders wrapped in towels pretending to be the wise men during the neighborhood Christmas party.

Our language sets the emotional stage for our experiences. If you want a stress-free holiday season then begin by using language that is stress-free. Speak in terms of what you want to experience and say the things you wish you were hearing. Gandhi once said to “be the change you wish to see in the world,” what a better time than this season to do so?

Christmas, in particular, is truly what you make it. After all, Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th, Christians adopted that date from the pagans along with many other traditions such as the use of holly, a decoration originally used to celebrate the Roman holiday Saturnalia. This is a time of celebration, of lighting up the winter darkness, a melding of traditions, a season of hope and a holiday of magical possibilities. It’s a time when a baby was born to save the world, when oil lasted eight times longer than it should, when a jolly old man can circle the globe in record time and fit down chimneys too small for his arm. Forget the stress and the demands and go straight for the cheer. Dream of the perfect holiday and make the decisions that bring it to life. A great place to begin is with your language.

So when your child spills milk on the dinner table, someone cuts you off in traffic, or you watch a customer purchase the last Xbox 360 you were after, try a new approach. Most likely the child didn’t intend to spill the milk, so surprise her with a calm, happy reaction such as, “If only I had a dime every time I spilled milk as a kid we’d be rich!” And look at the bright side, the table is extra clean after wiping it all up. Imagine the reaction you’ll get from the child and the joy you will create in the family. Regarding the traffic incident, what if you smile and wave knowing that they are in just as much of a hurry as you are and your kind reaction could keep them and others safer? As for the Xbox 360, well, can you imagine the impact you will have if you say to that lucky person: “Congratulations! You are so lucky; I was going after that same item. Hey, have a lot of fun with that!” The season is what you make it, so make it the way you want it to be instead of letting it default to the way others want it to be. You can either own your reality or be a player in someone else’s reality.

To everyone I wish the very merriest of seasons, and that all your magical dreams come true. And if just for a day, I want you to experience the joy of hope and the sense of peacefulness that falls upon the heart as you find all the reasons to be happy, to believe in yourself and to be grateful for all that has been bestowed upon your life. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a Cool Yule to all!

Here’s a question for the ages: What is success? For some it’s landing the six or seven figure job, for others, finding the perfect mate, for my wife it’s getting the kids to bed on time… but what is it really?

Success has less to do with achievement and more to do with response to the outcome. I have seen people land the “perfect” job and be miserable, or marry their dream girl/boy and get divorced. I have even seen my wife get the kids to bed on time and be frustrated because it was a battle every step of the way.

What if you sought a $250,000/yr job but landed one for $150,000, is that considered success? What if you fell in love with someone whose qualities were different than the list you created of the perfect spouse at age 14, is that failure? What if the kids are in bed 25 minutes late, but they go down happy and my wife walks out of the room smiling and feeling satisfied with motherhood? How could that be anything but success?

This brings me back to my original question, what is success? Success is being the captain of your own ship. It’s about being in control of your life while utilizing the talents of your “crew,” members such as fear, doubt, excitement, passion, intellect and gut; valuable crewmembers one and all, but none the captain. It includes confidence and happiness, but ultimately the captain embodies fulfillment, happiness and awareness.

One obstacle to such success is the doubt that they are worthy of happiness or worthy of their dreams. I meet so many people who believe they don’t deserve what they desire. “Sure, I’d love to live in a house like that, but that will never happen for me.” “Of course I would like to fall in love, but with my track record I’m lucky to fall in like.” “You just don’t know my family; we don’t get breaks like that.”

To overcome this obstacle you must believe in your dreams. You can dream all you want, but dreaming is not succeeding. Ironically, dreams can become an obstacle of success. There is a client of mine who thrives in the dreaming phase. She thinks, “as long as I am dreaming I am full of potential and people believe in me. But the second I step out, I may fail. Then I lose not just the potential, but also the dream!” The truth is you will only become what you believe is possible. If you don’t believe it, you can’t become it. Believing is the keystone to becoming, achieving or succeeding at anything in life. So ask yourself, what is it that you truly believe about your dreams and your potential? Answer that and you have glimpsed your definition of success.

Another obstacle is the “all-or-nothing” syndrome. This is the issue of thinking the next decision in your life is the most important decision of your life. Another client was so paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision she was unable to make any decision about what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to change the world, but felt that a step in the “wrong direction” could ruin her whole future. Rationally she understood that wasn’t true, but functionally she couldn’t get past the block. The secret came in reframing the outcome. What were once viewed as mistakes became building blocks. This is in the spirit of Thomas Edison who said he didn’t fail 1,000 times to invent the light bulb; he simply found a 1,000 ways that didn’t work. The shift is subtle, but the impact is profound.

The gift in any step you take is the knowledge you gain once you have discovered the outcome. The challenge comes in using that knowledge. The question is: Are you letting the outcome of yesterday’s choice stop you from making tomorrow’s decision? As long as there is life, there are dreams and possibilities and your new tomorrow will be based on your beliefs about your new today, which goes back to obstacle one; what do you believe.

The last obstacle is the notion that one’s perspective is the absolute, true and only possible perspective. One of my clients was convinced his boss was jealous of his intellect and was determined to stand in his way of advancement into management. As we began to reframe his perspective and develop new ways to see his circumstances, he discovered a new approach to his superiors. Since he wasn’t getting what he wanted thinking they were jealous of him, he began to approach work as an experiment. He started asking what kind of “tests” he could run to validate or disprove his perspective. Then literally within one conversation the course of his relationship with his superior changed. By approaching his boss from a different perspective, an obstacle became the catalyst for advancement. Understanding and trying on new perspectives is huge. Determine any perspective you have that seems absolutely, positively, infallibly true, then turn them around and ask what if the inverse were true? How would you behave in this new perspective and how would it impact your experience? Change your perspective and you can change your world.

Success is not about a destination or the realization of a goal, that’s achievement. Success is about a frame of mind. It’s built upon happiness and shaped by the level to which one is willing to wake up and be conscious of their life and their being. Success is a state of awareness that provides a person with the power to weather any storm and to take control of all their ships of life: Relationships, Friendships, Leadership, Companionship… Find your happiness and you will be successful at everything you chose to try in life.

(C) Copyrighted 2006 All rights reserved by Steven Fulmer

Recently a gentleman walked up to me after hearing me speak at a meeting and asked: “Can you coach anyone?” “Yes,” I replied, “anyone who wants to be coached that is.”

I went on to explain that if a wife is sending me her grumpy husband saying “FIX HIM!” the odds are not in my favor. If the grumpy husband, on the other hand, says “I’m tired of being grumpy,” that’s a different song. The old expression says: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. I cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

This fellow replied, “What if someone wants help but doesn’t believe it’s possible, they have already tried everything else, counseling, psychotherapy, and nothing works?!”

“Then I have one question for them,” I said, “Do they want their life to be different?”

“Yes, but…”

“But what? It’s a simple question. Do they want their life to be different?”

“Of course,” he said, “but they can’t see how.”

“I didn’t ask you if they could see how. I asked if they want their life to be different.”

It’s no different than when I teach people to ski, I ask if they want to learn and they usually reply: “Yes, but… I’m afraid.” I then clarify by saying that wasn’t my question and ask again, do you want to learn how to ski? Fear is a given, skiing is a dangerous sport. My question isn’t, are you afraid, my question is do you want to learn? “Yes,” they would say, “I want to learn.” Great, then I can teach you how to ski.

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. —Martin Luther King

Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…”

Too many people are anesthetizing their lives by the expression “Yes, but…” Do you want a more fulfilling job? “Yes, but… I have a mortgage, kids, 15 years invested here.” Do you want to be married? “Yes, but… I’m 35, 45, 55 years old, if it was going to happen…” Do you want a happier marriage? “Yes, but… it is what it is, this is what you get after 20 years with the same person.” Do you want _________? If the answer is “Yes, but…” it’s time to change your perspective.

One of life’s secrets is: You get what you focus on. It’s that simple! If a person wants to learn to ski and they focus on getting hurt, the odds have it, they will get hurt. But if they focus on skiing safely, in control and wanting to love the sport, then that is what they will get! The same is true with any aspect of life. Focus on the reasons why something cannot be so and life will present all the supporting evidence needed to prove the case. However, if people ask themselves “what if it is possible…” “What if it is possible to find a more fulfilling job and still be able to support my family the way I have grown accustomed?” “What if I got to rekindle my marriage with a new level of excitement and passion than ever existed before?” “What if I could find the love of my life?” What would those things look like? Lock the “yes buts” in an iron box, bury it in the yard and simply entertain the question: What if…?

What if you could ask “What if…?” What would it hurt? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of setting yourself up for disappointment? Are you afraid of dreaming too big and not getting it? Is that possible? After all, isn’t it true that you already lack whatever it is you are envisioning? So what if you dream big and it doesn’t come true? You’ve lost nothing since you didn’t have it to begin with.

So what do you gain from asking “what if?” You gain perspective. If you can envision what you want, with such clarity that you can paint a picture of it, then you will start to feel the excitement of what is possible. If you can feel the excitement then that is what you will attract into your life. Does it happen overnight? No. Will it happen precisely as you have envisioned it? Maybe, maybe not. Does that matter? What if it turns out better? What if it turns out to be slightly less? Wouldn’t that still be better than the “Yes but…” you are living today?

Here’s the simple truth: “Yes, but…” is just a big rubber bumper people put around themselves to protect them from getting hurt. It’s like those big stay-puff marshmallow suits people wear to do that pseudo sumo-wrestling, body slamming stuff. In real life, “yes, but…” may protect you from getting hurt or disappointed, but have you ever tried to hug someone in one of those suits? Have you ever tried to get close or make love in one of the suits? I can imagine that it is an awful experience. You can’t touch, get close or feel anything. That’s what “yes, buts…” do to your life. Sure they may protect you from certain pains or hurts, but they block the great feelings as well.

So the next time you find yourself saying “yes, but…” to anything, no matter how logical it sounds, take a moment to stop and ask yourself “what if!” You are not obligated to follow the answer, but wow, wouldn’t it be nice to consider, even for a moment, if it was possible? If you can consider it, then, who’s to say it’s not possible? It’s time to wake up and do something different. Change your perspective and you change you life!

Be willing to be wrong about your limits, so that you can be right about your possibilities.”
—Alan Cohen

Whether you are graduating from high school, college, graduate school or even a career as you enter retirement, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by the future. So here are five secrets to navigating this profound transition in your life.

1) Nothing beats back fear like information and knowledge. So when you get intimidated because you are comparing yourself to others or the goals you have set seem so big, take the time to look back on your life and get in touch with your greatness. If you can’t figure it out, ask your friends and family to express what they love and respect about you. Recount your proudest accomplishments and write them down. Then look at the skills they demonstrate and the gifts they illustrate and choose to own them.

2) Realize mistakes are the building blocks of success. Julius Irving said “To be an innovator you can’t be worried about making mistakes.” Mistakes are not to be feared, they are simply a fact of life. The secret lies in how you respond to them. Part 1: Make a decision consciously so it truly serves your goals and desires, and respects your values. When you do, even if the decision turns out differently than you expect, you will have nothing to regret or lament, instead you will have experience and wisdom. Which leads me to Part 2: Do not judge your decisions of yesterday with your knowledge of today. Why? Because you now have new information. At the time you make any decision, all you know is what you know and nothing more. You most certainly don’t know what the outcome of that decision will be. Once you learn the outcome you may use that information for the next decision, but not for beating yourself up about the first one. You did your best, so look forward, move on and be proud in your willingness to take the chance and earn your mistake.

3) Take stock. The stock market says past performance is no indication of future gains. The same applies to life. Your success in school or business is not a guarantee to your success in life or retirement. Look at what you are leaving behind. Your past has formed your identity, your purpose, your direction and more. You mastered the skills to thrive in that environment and those skills may not serve you the same in your new life. The first major disappointment is generally felt when that realization takes hold, so prepare for it. Take the time to feel the fear, the pride, the confusion and any other emotion that may be hanging on. Acknowledge what you are saying goodbye to; whether it be the freedom of college or the power of your career. If you just “put it behind you” without addressing it directly, it has a way of coming back in the form of regret, “the good ole’ days,” or a loss of identity. Don’t give it that kind of power.

4) Take time to explore. Life is a journey, so steal a page from your childhood and play “I Spy” along the way. Take time to notice how you are adapting to and feeling about your new life, post graduation or post retirement. You may not feel the way you thought you would at this point in your life. Your dreams may begin to shift; your goals may begin to change. Stay aware of what these changes are telling you. Just because you preached for years that you were going to be a financial wizard after college or sail around the world in your retirement doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so if your goals and desires change. Many of my clients felt like they lost control of their lives somewhere, like they got caught on a treadmill and can’t get off. By staying aware of what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you are feeling about it along the way, you retain control of your life.

5) When looking into your future, see with the clarity of your eyes. You have crystal clear clarity at arms length, but as objects move further away the detail is reduced. By the time something is a mile away you are lucky to discern shapes and colors depending on its size. The same is true with life. By all means, dream, plan, set goals and define your long term aspirations, but be cautious about the level of detail. If you get too specific about how life looks in five years, you may be living with blinders on and missing profound possibilities along the way. Take the time to look up and test your theories for accuracy and continued relevancy instead of just looking for ways to prove yourself right. As Alan Cohen said, be willing to be wrong about your limits, so you can be right about your possibilities.

Life can seem overwhelming and uncertain at these major crossroads of graduation and retirement. So if you find yourself in such a quandary, remember, your next decision is not your most important decision, it is simply your next decision. The criteria you use to make the decision, and the manner in which you respond to the outcome, is far more important than the decision itself. Success is simply getting up one more time than you fall down. Should you happen to fall, get up, remember the five secrets and build your future – one step at a time.

If you don’t brag about yourself, who will? Your mom? Unfortunately, our society has taught us that bragging is bad, rude or conceited. I would agree, if it’s being used to insult or put down another, or to appear superior, or arrogant. If, however, bragging is done in the spirit of respect and compassion and used as a sincere way to share a glimpse of your personal story with another, then it can be endearing, empowering and even unifying.

Point #1: It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

When given the opportunity to talk about ourselves, most of us resort to the encyclopedia method of communication: place of residence, job, marital status, number of kids, maybe our favorite hobby. While the listener may expect such a clinical response, when someone responds differently, with more enthusiasm or creativity, it catches our attention. If it’s spoken with humble confidence we feel honored and connected.

Point #2: If you aren’t interested in what you are saying, the odds have it your audience isn’t interested either.

Positive bragging is a lot like selling yourself. Unfortunately too many people have a negative opinion of sales. If you view sales as manipulation or coercion, then you are likely to view bragging as aggressive and unflattering because it’s used as a tool to intimidate. This is like when you were young and complained how difficult your life was and your dad would say “when I was your age I walked to school 10 miles one way, up hill in both directions!” The problem with that kind of bragging is it’s about one-upmanship and it leaves you vulnerable to attack. The listener is no longer interested in you because the dialogue has turned into a competition and you might well get a response such as, “Well, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was president of the United States!” This kind of bragging doesn’t bring people closer to you, it pushes them away.

However, if you view sales as positive, a process of matching product with need, then bragging is nothing more than the education of a prospect about your product…you! When a young sales person started out, the story goes; he was struggling with converting his prospects to clients. He said to his manager, “I can lead the horse to water, but I can’t make it drink.” The manager replied, “Ah, that’s the problem, your job is not to make them drink, your job is to make them thirsty.”

Point #3: Positive bragging is about telling a story about you that connects with the listener in a meaningful way, so they become curious about you and who you are.

Benefits of Bragging:

1. Improved self confidence
2. Better posture
3. The ability to see greatness in others
4. More Romance, that goes for the married and the unmarried. I’m married but I still love it when my wife agrees to go on a date with me.
5. Job opportunities, you never know who you are talking to, or the potential connections that will lead from it.
6. You begin to see patterns in your life and you realize truths about yourself, such as being a healer, an artist, a builder, a teacher…
7. Rut buster. It breaks the habit of negative self talk.
8. Most people are about as happy, successful, in love… as they make up their mind to be. Bragging raises you to another level of happiness, success, love, whatever you want.

How do you do it? One way is to answer questions with information that excites you. If someone doesn’t know the truth about you, then all they can know is what they see. If you simply answer, “I’m a lawyer” and the person you are talking to has a negative opinion of lawyers, then they will makes assumptions about you based on what they think they know or understand about lawyers. Your goal is to break those assumptions. Instead you could respond with “I am changing the world by balancing the scales of justice!” Or, “I’m protecting the environment from within the legal system.” What makes these responses powerful is they are sincerely about the speaker with no comparison or judgment about the person with whom they are talking.

Point #4: Think in terms of how you want people to see you, then use language, stories and information to demonstrate that perspective

Tips for Bragging:

Dreams are to life what headlights are to cars, they don’t determine where you go; they simply show you what is possible.”

In 1979 the Iranians stormed the U.S. Embassy in Tehran, the Cold War was going strong and Vietnam was still a recent memory. I was confused, I was afraid, and I was 15 years old. The question, “What was I supposed to do with my life?” percolated in my mind. I considered fixing the world, a dream I harbored since I was six, but fear won, so I picked up my 35mm camera and decided that I was better suited to photography. I graduated from high school and pursued an education in business and photography.

In the summer of 1984, no longer able to take the global hatred, I transferred to a four year college. Something had to be done in this world and I decided I was the person to do it. I took up the study of politics and I set out to become P.O.T.U.S., the President of the United States. As graduation approached, the fear returned, along with a heaping dose of doubt and confusion. As I looked ahead I no longer saw opportunity or the oval office, I saw an abyss, a void, an unknown. The day before graduation, I stood in my parents’ hotel room and had an emotional breakdown. “Great!” I said extremely loudly, “Now what!?”

Sitting in the twilight between student-hood and adulthood I wondered what my life purpose was. “What’s it all about, this life of mine and how do I live it?” For me, the answer was quite simple – get a job. “It doesn’t matter what the job is,” said my parents and others, “you just need experience.” So that’s what I did.

By my mid thirties I was a success; the Vice President of a Software company, and an integral part of turning a $300,000/yr company into a $10million/yr industry leader. Unfortunately, something was missing. I was in a rut. I had stopped paying attention to my dream of changing the world and ended up in a place that I never intended to be. That’s when it hit me: I was living a job, not a life. It was time to wake up.

It is during similar awakenings that my clients come to me for coaching. They find themselves on that precipice between the only world they have ever known (school, work, motherhood…) and how to can make a difference in the way they want the world to be. They are confused, sometimes afraid and sometimes eager about the mystery that lies before them and asking, “Is this what my life is meant to be?” “Can it be more?”

When I work with clients during this awakening, I use powerful questions to help them find a meaningful starting point for their quest, such as: What role are you playing in your life – leader or follower? What role is your job or current circumstance playing in your life – fulfillment or maintenance? Are you actively moving your life forward, or drifting with the current? Do you look back over your life enthralled with the story, or wondering when the real story will begin? Is life about creation or acceptance? The answer to these questions gives people a concrete place to begin the next phase by helping them understand how they have approached their life up to this point. And as a coach, I have found there are two primary approaches these answers describe: The Foundation approach and the Vehicle approach.

The Foundation Approach

The Foundation Approach is a life focused on “what” questions, such as: What should I do with my life? What job should I take? What do I want to be when I grow up? People building a Foundation type of life generally view themselves as results oriented, practical, pragmatic, realistic and responsible. They make decisions in their lives for a wide variety of logical reasons: such as earning money, paying down debt, supporting a family, buying things, building a stable “foundation” for their life they can build upon, all of which are admirable goals. This approach, however, has little to do with dreams or changing their world.

The challenge facing Foundation builders is they look at their station in life as a destination. They use expressions such as “you play the hand you’re dealt” and generally feel they have reached some sort of end. As a result, several things happen to Foundation path subscribers:

• Obligations and responsibilities supersede desires and wants.
• They stop dreaming and growing and ruts begin to form in their life.
• Time gets shorter - there’s not enough time to do the things they have to do, and the ones they want to do.
• Promotions and raises are golden handcuffs and they think they can’t leave the job now that they are finally making good money.

The Foundation approach can be stable, steady, consistent, dependable and comfortable; however, it is also binding, rigid, inflexible and restrictive. The underlying emotion for many people following this approach to life is fear, which leads them back to the questions of “what:” What if it changes? What if it gets worse? What if I lose control?”

The Vehicle Approach

The Vehicle Approach to life asks questions that begin with “how.” This approach understands nothing is permanent and life can turn on a dime, as proven by families affected by downsizing, hurricanes, or winning the lottery. People attracted to the Vehicle approach are similar to those attracted to the Foundation approach in that they too want to earn money, pay down debt, support a family, buy things, and start building a stable life they can grow into. However, when using the Vehicle approach, life is more about the journey than the destination. People subscribing to this approach find:

• They are willing to risk being wrong and dreams are an integral part of life.
• Time is a negotiable commodity and balance is a goal to life.
• Obligations and responsibilities are born out of desires and wants
• Every experience is a stepping stone to be collected and used to their personal advantage
• They have a clear understanding of their values and goals, and make decisions to honor those values and meet those goals.

While the Vehicle approach can appear naïve, it is simply an approach that is acutely aware of life. Because of this consciousness, people who use the Vehicle approach are armed with tools and benchmarks to make effective decisions that serve them throughout their life. The Vehicle approach makes people flexible, curious, open, full of conviction and willing to ask powerful questions: “How can I make this situation better?” “How can I learn from this experience?” “How does this situation serve me?”

Societal pressures and expectations often drive people to the Foundation approach first, and foundations are great - if you’re a house. Life, however, is more dynamic than a house and requires a method of flexibility and movement that a “foundation” can’t provide. So, how does one learn to adopt the Vehicle approach, especially when the weight of reality is bearing down upon their shoulders? Here are three tips for getting there:

1. Dream! Not because you are obligated to follow those dreams, but because dreams will show you your truth. When you know your truth, values are clearer, which makes it easier to stay focused on the road of life you truly want to travel by giving you guidelines and benchmarks. Dreams are to life what headlights are to cars, they don’t determine where you go; they simply show you what is possible.
2. Believe! Believing is what makes things possible because you cannot achieve what you do not believe. Believing is like a steering wheel. Without the wheel you cannot control your car, and without believing you cannot control your life. When you believe, you can create any kind of life you want.
3. Become! The driver who takes control. Driving requires constant adjustments and compensation for the road and conditions, the same is true for life. By continually adjusting the lessons of life against your values, dreams and beliefs you create possibilities!

Embrace the detours along the way; they tend to be where the best discoveries are found! I did, and that’s how I am now changing the world. Not by being POTUS, but by challenging disillusion and helping people find their identity, conviction and direction. There are three types of people in the world: those who experience life, those who watch life, and those who wonder where life went. Which one would you like to be?