In my last post, I talked about the power of setting ground rules as foundation for respect. Once we’ve set our ground rules, the next and perhaps most powerful step is designing a playbook for what we do when someone breaks them.
We often have policies like “no phones” or “no name-calling,” but rarely do we prepare for when those boundaries get crossed. Instead, we react on the fly, letting frustration or judgment take the wheel.
Imagine someone pulls out a phone during a meeting. Typically, judgment kicks in fast: “He’s not taking this seriously.” Or, “He clearly doesn’t respect the process.”
But what if we introduced a safe word? Something like “pumpernickel” that signals a rule has been broken. In that instant, we disrupt the automatic judgments. Such a word may make us laugh. The person with the phone can clarify — maybe it’s a family emergency, or maybe they simply lost track of their focus.
Either way, this brief pause allows for a reset, giving them a chance to acknowledge the misstep or explain it. In turn, the rest of us get to bring compassion instead of resentment into the mix.
And if the rule-breaking continues, we don’t have to scramble to figure out how to address it in the moment. A well-designed playbook provides clarity: perhaps a second reminder, a brief conversation, or whatever escalation the group agrees on.
By planning ahead, we give ourselves the freedom to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting defensively. This approach not only preserves respect in the group but transforms rule-breaking from a source of tension into a chance to reinforce the culture of empathy and accountability we’re striving for.
In a world that’s quick to judge, a playbook lets us lead with understanding.
Here are a few practical steps to building (or improving) your playbook:
- The “safe word,” as mentioned above, is a great idea to convey a lot of information in a single word. The word might be pumpernickel, but the meaning is, you’ve broken a rule we have all agreed to follow. Are you aware you have done so? You are now aware that we are.
- Generous Assumption: be compassionate first. If someone breaks a ground rule, assume positive intent. If they’re on their phone, inquire if everything is okay and if they need a moment. It could be an emergency.
- Learn. In other words, we may set a rule of no phones but find that we are going far too long without a break. People can unplug — but not forever. So perhaps you add 10-minute breaks every 50 minutes so folks know when they can respond.
- Assess. If it’s a long meeting — several hours, a full day, or multiple days on end — it’s worth checking in on the rules to see if they are solving the problems you are experiencing. It’s possible the rules are too general or irrelevant to have any real value.
- Be courageous. A gentle broken rule now and again, generously handled, isn’t the challenge. The challenge is when someone is a repeat offender, or blatantly disregarding the rules. How will you handle this? It takes courage to put that question on the table and more so to invoke the solutions. If you care enough to set the rules, care enough to enforce them. It might mean expelling someone. But if that person is the union president, is that realistic? If not, what is realistic? A forced break? A penalty jar — into which the offender has to deposit $5 every time they break the rule — to be used for beers at the end of the meeting? It can be fun, but it needs to be genuine.
Do you have a playbook for handling situations like this in your organization? Would you like help building one? If so, feel free to get in touch with me. I’d love to help.
Photo by Mario Verduzco on Unsplash
