Since this topic has up about a half dozen times this week alone (and the week is only 3 days old) I thought I would blog about it.
While there are MANY ways to engage in conversations and MANY theories of communication, there is one core question I ask everyone who challenges me on this topic: “What is your intention in this discussion?” With a little clarification probing, it is always to convince the other person to agree with them or at least to change the other person’s opinion. If that is your objective then you might as well just smack them in the head an move straight to the fight. Human beings naturally resist change, especially when they think that are right, and even more so if they are not asking for input.
Now this may sound obvious, but it’s amazing how often the obvious is overlooked. If you want to communicate and form a personal and/or a business relationship with someone who possesses a different point of view, start with a new intention. If you intention is to learn from them why they think and feel the way they do, then there is no conflict. Stephen Covey said it best: “Seek first to understand, than to be understood.” He doesn’t say anything about convincing.
Generally speaking, the other peson is unlikely to be looking for you to change their mind, so if your satisfaction is dependent on the single, unlikely outcome that they change, you are likely to be frustrated or disappointed. However, if you intention is simply to hear and share, regardless of the outcome, the other person will feel more honored and respected. With enough respect and honor on the table there is little room for defensiveness and confrontation. Just imagine the places you can reach from a starting point of respect and honor.
I’ll leave you with one of my personal favorite axioms I coined: “Acceptance is not agreement.” You need not agree with another person to accept them as a likeable or lovable human being worthy of respect. We were built with two ears and one mouth, use them proportionately.
