To answer another question I’ve received from the blog community: A woman is upset at the dwindling communications skills in our society. When she is faced with rudeness, she tries to combat it by respectfully asking them to use a different tone of voice. Recently, someone challenged that by saying she was just trying to have “control.”
This brings out a great test of leadership. We are seldom, if ever, defensive when we are confident. Defensiveness tends to be the result of a lack of confidence or a feeling of being weak or insecure. So, when we come to the situation described above, we must ask ourselves: Is the problem with them or with us? If we are confident, strong, convicted leaders, then should the way someone talks to us affect how we feel?
Here’s what I would suggest. Instead of asking this person to change their tone, a confident leader might say, “I’m sensing from your tone that you are (angry/upset/hurt/etc.) Am I reading you correctly?” The key here is that instead of asking them to be different (wherein they might feel like you are trying to ‘control them’) seek to understand them (see my last post on how that’s essential for leadership). This tactic can help in a couple different ways. Firstly, you can now consider that you could very well be misreading them. They might respond to your inquiry with: “Angry? I’m not angry! I’m just passionate!” Perhaps what feels passionate to them just comes across as angry.
On the other hand, they might actually be upset and handling it poorly (through passive aggressive tones.) If that’s the case, now they are free to respond with, “Yes, I’m angry,” and their feelings are validated. They’re feeling heard. Now you’re both on the same page and you can now address the truth beneath their emotion–why are they angry?
However they respond, you’re now leading from a position of confidence and emulating leadership-level communication skills. Asking someone to change their tone can feel like an accusation, especially if you are incorrect with your interpretation of what their tone means (“Angry? I’m not angry! I’m just passionate!). Doing so can get them defensive.
But if you name the emotion you are experiencing and ask if that’s their intent, it does two things: First, it helps them realize what their tone is conveying to their listener. Second, it puts the responsibility of ownership on them. They have to own their tone and say “Yes, it means this,” or “No, it means that.” They can’t hide behind maybes or passive aggression. It equips them to have better communication and makes the whole conversation more clear for both of you.
Communication has certainly been diminishing in our society. Rather than communicating from a place of confidence and curiosity, all too often we communicate from a place of weakness (which is defensiveness) and judgment. Therefore it is incumbent on us as personal leaders to communicate from a place of strength (which is confidence) and curiosity rather than judgment. Our job is not to tell people who to be, but to experience them in the way they want to be experienced.
