As human beings, we’re incredible designers. Heck, we designed our way to the moon. And when Apollo 13 failed, we designed a safe passage home. We design our homes, meticulously planning every detail before we begin a remodel. We wouldn’t just tear apart the kitchen without an idea of what we want it to look like at the end, would we? We also design our vacations — rarely do we simply jump in the car with no destination, no planned route, no hotel booked. We almost always have a vision of where we’re headed.
But when it comes to our relationships and the way we interact with others, we rarely apply this same master skill and thoughtful approach. We don’t often sit down and ask ourselves: What does this relationship look like at its best? How do we want to feel at the end of this meeting, vacation, or year? How can we ensure that we stay intact, happy, and respectful through the ups and downs?
These are tough, vulnerable questions, but they’re essential if we want our relationships — whether personal or professional — to thrive. Without a plan, we often leave the dynamics of our interactions to chance — and our interpretations and responses to emotional reactions. And, let’s be honest, when things go unplanned, we risk frustration, miscommunication, or even worse, a breakdown in trust.
I’m reminded of a tight-knit team of three executives I recently coached. They had clear goals for their organization, communicated well, and designed their collaboration with respect and care. Then, they invited a fourth person to join the team. This new person hadn’t been part of the design process, and it was clear that the original trio’s approach wasn’t working for them. Had this new hire been included in the earlier planning — or even if the team had adjusted their design as they moved forward as a quartet instead of a trio, they might have avoided the tension and misalignment that followed.
It’s the same in any relationship. You have to be willing to name the uncomfortable things. What’s not working? What behaviors are getting in the way? Maybe there’s something you’d like to ask the other person to stop or to start. And yes, that can be tough, especially if there’s fear that the person won’t be receptive. But this is where the real growth happens — when we name the challenge and build a plan together. If it’s an invitation instead of an ultimatum, your chances of success are exponentially greater.
So, just like we design our physical spaces or our vacations, it’s time we started designing our relationships. Whether it’s with a colleague, a partner, or a friend, let’s take a moment to sit down and ask: What do we want this experience to feel like? How can we ensure that we stay connected, respectful, and intact along the way?
I believe if we approach our relationships with the same intention we apply to the rest of our lives, we’ll find deeper connection, less miscommunication, and more fulfilling interactions.
Photo by Daniel McCullough on Unsplash
