20 years ago Linda Ellis penned a beautiful poem called The Dash which reminds us that though our tombstones mark the dates of our birth and death, those dates tell nothing of who we were. It is the dash in between that represents our life. How, she asks in the end, do you spend your dash?
In a recent presentation about the 3-dimensional aspects of leadership, I was asked, “in polarized environments, how do we lead those that disagree with us, those on the opposite side of the fence, be that political, in our companies, or even at the family dinner table?” In that moment I thought of The Dash. It felt to me that the extremes of opinion too often represent the dates on our tombstone — the end points — but not the real meaning of life that lands in the middle. The dash. It is in that place, that place in between, where we actually live our lives. The place leadership has a chance of connecting with people where and how they live, so that it can make a difference.
I know we’re conditioned to think that leadership is fast, that great leaders can change the hearts and minds of those at the extreme opposites of our viewpoint with a magic word or the power of their position. But we can’t. It takes time, and though there are many parts to the process, there are two core components too often ignored: Engagement and Silence.
Begin by choosing to engage, by choosing to connect, by choosing to honor the people that disagree with you, seeking first to understand them in the very manner you wish for them to understand you. Fearless leadership isn’t about achieving the impossible in a single step, it’s about the courage to walk the journey with everyone, from those that only mildly disagree to those at the extreme edges of our disagreement.
Then, as if engaging those that disagree with you isn’t hard enough, the second component is even more difficult — silence. The second step of fearless leadership is the willingness to ask without rebuttal. It’s the courage to say to those that disagree “I want to know what’s important to you. I want to know how you got here, to this way of thinking and feeling.” And then? Listen. LET GO of the inclination to give your opinion in response — unless asked.
Here’s the funny thing: most people don’t need to be right, they just want to be seen. They need to be heard, to be validated that they are legitimate and their ideas and perspectives have merit – whether used or not. Our ability to SEE them is the way we leaders cross that divide that separates us. Did you catch that? The way WE cross the divide. We meet them where they are and only then can we hope to lead them anywhere new, because now we will see what they see and they will know we understand and are with them. When the “other side” feels that you see them, understand them, get them, that’s the only time they’ll be open enough to ask the same question back to you. Which is where we can begin to actually influence.
And if you can influence the vast majority in the middle, momentum will be on your side. The extremities will matter less, because life is lived in the dash in between. That’s were we connect.
