In a recent conversation with a team I coach, we delved into the nuances of unintentional behavior, a topic I talked about a few weeks ago. But during this latest conversation, I was struck by a critical aspect we often overlook — the flip side of the coin. One one hand, yes, we absolutely bear responsibility for our unintentional behaviors and actions. But equally important is our responsibility, as recipients, to extend generous assumptions when someone’s actions or words don’t align with their usual character.
Clinical psychologist and author Dr. Becky Kennedy may specialize in working with families and kids. But her work translates to adults, too. She talks about making the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) of a person’s behavior. “The foundation of seeing people as good inside allows for curiosity about their not-so-good behavior,” she says. “If we believe people are good inside, then we can see bad behavior as a sign of struggles, not as a sign of who they are.”
To be clear, Dr. Becky says that “using an MGI doesn’t make a bad behavior OK. It just helps you see the good kid or adult who is under the behavior. This encourages intervention from a place of seeing our kid as a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things. This mindset difference is everything.”
Again, this is true for toddlers and adults alike. Think about it. We’ve all encountered situations where someone we know to be kind and considerate — or as Dr. Becky would say, “good inside” — says or does something that seems out of character, perhaps using a phrase that’s offensive or behaving in a way that feels hurtful. Our first instinct might be to take offense, to feel stung or wronged. But here’s the thing: when we have evidence of a person’s general kindness, we don’t have to play the victim or overreact. Instead, we have an opportunity to offer them the benefit of the doubt.
Generous assumptions are powerful. They allow us to pause, consider the person’s intentions, and recognize that they might be unaware of the impact of their words or actions. It’s about giving them the chance to be better without immediately jumping to conclusions or punishing them for what might be an honest mistake.
Remember, this approach doesn’t mean ignoring harmful behavior or letting people off the hook. If, after offering a generous assumption, you’re met with a disrespectful response, that’s a different story. At that point, it’s clear that the issue runs deeper, and a different conversation is needed. But when we start with generosity and understanding, we create space for growth, for ourselves and others.
Ultimately, this is about fostering a culture of mutual respect and empathy. We’re all going to make mistakes — it’s as assured as death and taxes — sometimes big ones. But if we approach each other with kindness and assume the best in others, we can navigate those missteps with grace, turning potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. And isn’t that the kind of environment we all want to be a part of?
Co-authored with Mollie Horne
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
