Dreams are to life what headlights are to cars, they don’t determine where you go; they simply show you what is possible.”
In 1979 the Iranians stormed the U.S. Embassy in Tehran, the Cold War was going strong and Vietnam was still a recent memory. I was confused, I was afraid, and I was 15 years old. The question, “What was I supposed to do with my life?” percolated in my mind. I considered fixing the world, a dream I harbored since I was six, but fear won, so I picked up my 35mm camera and decided that I was better suited to photography. I graduated from high school and pursued an education in business and photography.
In the summer of 1984, no longer able to take the global hatred, I transferred to a four year college. Something had to be done in this world and I decided I was the person to do it. I took up the study of politics and I set out to become P.O.T.U.S., the President of the United States. As graduation approached, the fear returned, along with a heaping dose of doubt and confusion. As I looked ahead I no longer saw opportunity or the oval office, I saw an abyss, a void, an unknown. The day before graduation, I stood in my parents’ hotel room and had an emotional breakdown. “Great!” I said extremely loudly, “Now what!?”
Sitting in the twilight between student-hood and adulthood I wondered what my life purpose was. “What’s it all about, this life of mine and how do I live it?” For me, the answer was quite simple – get a job. “It doesn’t matter what the job is,” said my parents and others, “you just need experience.” So that’s what I did.
By my mid thirties I was a success; the Vice President of a Software company, and an integral part of turning a $300,000/yr company into a $10million/yr industry leader. Unfortunately, something was missing. I was in a rut. I had stopped paying attention to my dream of changing the world and ended up in a place that I never intended to be. That’s when it hit me: I was living a job, not a life. It was time to wake up.
It is during similar awakenings that my clients come to me for coaching. They find themselves on that precipice between the only world they have ever known (school, work, motherhood…) and how to can make a difference in the way they want the world to be. They are confused, sometimes afraid and sometimes eager about the mystery that lies before them and asking, “Is this what my life is meant to be?” “Can it be more?”
When I work with clients during this awakening, I use powerful questions to help them find a meaningful starting point for their quest, such as: What role are you playing in your life – leader or follower? What role is your job or current circumstance playing in your life – fulfillment or maintenance? Are you actively moving your life forward, or drifting with the current? Do you look back over your life enthralled with the story, or wondering when the real story will begin? Is life about creation or acceptance? The answer to these questions gives people a concrete place to begin the next phase by helping them understand how they have approached their life up to this point. And as a coach, I have found there are two primary approaches these answers describe: The Foundation approach and the Vehicle approach.
The Foundation Approach
The Foundation Approach is a life focused on “what” questions, such as: What should I do with my life? What job should I take? What do I want to be when I grow up? People building a Foundation type of life generally view themselves as results oriented, practical, pragmatic, realistic and responsible. They make decisions in their lives for a wide variety of logical reasons: such as earning money, paying down debt, supporting a family, buying things, building a stable “foundation” for their life they can build upon, all of which are admirable goals. This approach, however, has little to do with dreams or changing their world.
The challenge facing Foundation builders is they look at their station in life as a destination. They use expressions such as “you play the hand you’re dealt” and generally feel they have reached some sort of end. As a result, several things happen to Foundation path subscribers:
- Obligations and responsibilities supersede desires and wants.
- They stop dreaming and growing and ruts begin to form in their life.
- Time gets shorter – there’s not enough time to do the things they have to do, and the ones they want to do.
- Promotions and raises are golden handcuffs and they think they can’t leave the job now that they are finally making good money.
The Foundation approach can be stable, steady, consistent, dependable and comfortable; however, it is also binding, rigid, inflexible and restrictive. The underlying emotion for many people following this approach to life is fear, which leads them back to the questions of “what:” What if it changes? What if it gets worse? What if I lose control?”
The Vehicle Approach
The Vehicle Approach to life asks questions that begin with “how.” This approach understands nothing is permanent and life can turn on a dime, as proven by families affected by downsizing, hurricanes, or winning the lottery. People attracted to the Vehicle approach are similar to those attracted to the Foundation approach in that they too want to earn money, pay down debt, support a family, buy things, and start building a stable life they can grow into. However, when using the Vehicle approach, life is more about the journey than the destination. People subscribing to this approach find:
- They are willing to risk being wrong and dreams are an integral part of life.
- Time is a negotiable commodity and balance is a goal to life.
- Obligations and responsibilities are born out of desires and wants
- Every experience is a stepping stone to be collected and used to their personal advantage
- They have a clear understanding of their values and goals, and make decisions to honor those values and meet those goals.
While the Vehicle approach can appear naïve, it is simply an approach that is acutely aware of life. Because of this consciousness, people who use the Vehicle approach are armed with tools and benchmarks to make effective decisions that serve them throughout their life. The Vehicle approach makes people flexible, curious, open, full of conviction and willing to ask powerful questions: “How can I make this situation better?” “How can I learn from this experience?” “How does this situation serve me?”
Societal pressures and expectations often drive people to the Foundation approach first, and foundations are great – if you’re a house. Life, however, is more dynamic than a house and requires a method of flexibility and movement that a “foundation” can’t provide. So, how does one learn to adopt the Vehicle approach, especially when the weight of reality is bearing down upon their shoulders? Here are three tips for getting there:
- Dream! Not because you are obligated to follow those dreams, but because dreams will show you your truth. When you know your truth, values are clearer, which makes it easier to stay focused on the road of life you truly want to travel by giving you guidelines and benchmarks. Dreams are to life what headlights are to cars, they don’t determine where you go; they simply show you what is possible.
- Believe! Believing is what makes things possible because you cannot achieve what you do not believe. Believing is like a steering wheel. Without the wheel you cannot control your car, and without believing you cannot control your life. When you believe, you can create any kind of life you want.
- Become! The driver who takes control. Driving requires constant adjustments and compensation for the road and conditions, the same is true for life. By continually adjusting the lessons of life against your values, dreams and beliefs you create possibilities!
Embrace the detours along the way; they tend to be where the best discoveries are found! I did, and that’s how I am now changing the world. Not by being POTUS, but by challenging disillusion and helping people find their identity, conviction and direction. There are three types of people in the world: those who experience life, those who watch life, and those who wonder where life went. Which one would you like to be?
