In my last post, I shared how learning to ask questions that are rooted in curiosity — and encourage dialogue instead of defensiveness — can change the entire dynamic of our relationships. These sorts of questions also foster empathy and understanding.
Defensiveness and a lack of recognition and/or understanding can happen anywhere, but I find they’re all too common in folks of differing generations. (And yes, this is as true for workplace relationships as it is for family relationships.) But I’m not talking about the traditional generations of Boomer vs. Millennial, rather the more general generations of those who have been around longer than others. New ideas versus tradition: “This is the way it’s always been done” versus, “Why?”
Generational differences often shape our interactions and expectations in profound ways. While each generation strives to improve upon the last, those previous generations are often proud of their own growth, and the challenge lies in balancing recognition of past efforts with the desire for continued growth. A certain tension often arises when one generation feels unappreciated by another. So let’s explore how to navigate these complex dynamics.
Every generation works hard to improve upon the last, trying to break old patterns and create better lives for themselves, their children, their employees, the company. But what happens when that effort isn’t recognized? The short answer? Defensiveness. There is a tension between being appreciated for how far we’ve come and being asked to keep growing.
Take parents, for instance. They often feel they’ve made significant strides from how they were raised, but their children still ask for more — more understanding, more compromise, more emotional intelligence. While it’s natural for the younger generation to ask for these things, it can leave parents feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. “Haven’t I done enough?” they wonder. “Where did I go wrong? I am soooo much better than my parents or grandparents. Aren’t I? If they only knew how I had it…”
The challenge lies in balancing recognition with opportunities for continued growth. It’s crucial to honor the progress that has been made — after all, most parents aren’t a carbon copy of their own parents, neither are bosses clones of their previous bosses. They’ve likely evolved in response to their upbringing and experiences — and have already chosen to do things differently. But even so, each generation has room for improvement.
In the workplace, this dynamic can be equally present. For example, a manager who has adapted their leadership style over the years may feel frustrated when younger employees demand further changes or more inclusivity without acknowledging or understanding the progress made.
When you ask your parents or colleagues to be more emotionally present or less defensive, it’s valuable to frame the request in a way that acknowledges how far they’ve come. You might say, “I know you’ve worked hard to be different from your parents [boss], and I appreciate that. And here’s where I feel we can go further.” This approach honors their effort and opens the door for further growth without making them feel like they’ve failed. Just be sure to approach the person you’re engaging with as your adult self (not your 12-year-old self). With your parents, you’re still an adult child; with your boss, you’re still an employee.
Recognizing this generational evolution — and the effort behind it — creates space for dialogue and mutual understanding. It’s not about who’s right or wrong; it’s about evolving together, having the wisdom to name what is working and the courage to ask, “How great can we stand it?!”
As we acknowledge the nuances of generational evolution, we open the door for deeper connections and more productive conversations. By recognizing progress and encouraging further growth, we can foster collaboration and understanding in both personal and professional settings — because it’s no longer about blaming people for what isn’t working but collaborating on how to make the “good” truly “great!.”
Incremental progress is still progress. We’re all evolving together, whether we realize it or not, and that takes on many forms, particularly in the workplace. In my next post, we’ll explore how shifting from directives to shared goals can develop and empower our relationships even further.
