In my last post, we explored the dangers of taking on responsibility that belongs to others. Today, I’d like to go a step further: how do we relate to our own mistakes and internal narratives? How do we prevent the very mindset that drives leaders to over-fix from eroding their confidence and joy?
Many leaders internalize errors, letting them define who they are rather than what they did. I saw this with a client who carried the weight of every misstep. Even when her team was responsible, she assumed the blame. Her fear of imperfection shaped her leadership — reactivity and defensiveness followed naturally.
This isn’t just a personal issue — it’s a leadership issue. If you can’t separate identity from error, your decisions, interactions, and influence are filtered through fear. In Understanding Before Fixing, we learned that understanding others before fixing fosters clarity. The Mistake Myth taught that stepping back and letting others handle mistakes builds stronger teams. Here, the lesson turns inward: you must also give yourself permission to be human.
Here are three practical steps to do this:
- Name what went right alongside what went wrong.
- Give your team ownership of their challenges.
- Create small rituals to celebrate learning instead of perfection.
#1 is particularly important. If you know me, you know I am very fond of the 1-10 scale. I use it as a GPS coordinate, not a grade. And regardless of the numeric value one puts on an assessment, I ask, “Why so high?” If it’s a low number — say, 4 or below — they likely laugh and claim that isn’t high. To which I point out, “It’s not a 1. So why so high? What’s working?” As a GPS coordinate, we aren’t asking if we passed or failed but where we are en route to our destination.
Encourage these kinds of debriefs after projects or mistakes where everyone shares what they noticed, what worked, and what could improve. Model vulnerability by sharing your own missteps and what you learned from them. Recognize effort, curiosity, and problem-solving, not just outcomes.
Over time, this rewires the internal narrative: one error becomes information, not indictment, and your team begins to see mistakes as stepping stones for growth rather than threats to competence.
You are not your mistakes. Your team isn’t either. Growth comes from honesty, humility, and resilience. By leading with this perspective, you reinforce the principles we’ve recently explored: understanding, empowerment, and trust — both inward and outward.
Recognizing that you are not defined by mistakes is only part of the journey. Sometimes, even with understanding and perspective, challenges run deeper than what leadership or self-reflection alone can address. In my next post, we’ll explore how to recognize when coaching isn’t enough — and how to support yourself or others when the root of the struggle goes beyond guidance, into deeper stress, shame, or trauma.
Photo by Claudio Schwarz on Unsplash
