If you’re serious about ownership and responsibility, rules will eventually be broken.
That’s not a failure of leadership. It’s a reality of working with human beings. Even in teams with clear expectations, strong relationships, and shared goals, someone will misinterpret a guideline, make a judgment call that misses the mark, or simply forget. The real moment of truth isn’t the mistake — it’s how you respond to it.
Too often, rule-breaking triggers a sharp or reactive response. And while that reaction may feel justified in the moment, it almost always backfires. It doesn’t increase accountability; it increases defensiveness. When people feel shamed, blamed, or attacked, they shut down. They stop raising concerns. They hide future issues. They retreat into self-protection.
There’s a better way. And it starts with curiosity instead of accusation.
“Help me understand what led to that decision” sounds very different from “Why did you do that?” One opens the door to dialogue. The other puts people on trial.
When you approach a misstep with genuine curiosity, you often uncover things like:
- The rule wasn’t as clear as you thought
- The person believed they were helping
- They didn’t want to “bother” you because you seemed busy
- They were afraid checking in would mean losing autonomy
These aren’t excuses — they’re information. And information is what allows systems, relationships, and people to improve.
This doesn’t mean lowering standards or ignoring expectations. It means addressing the issue in a way that strengthens the relationship instead of weakening it. That requires clarifying the expectation, explaining the reasoning behind it, and reconnecting the decision to shared goals.
When people understand the why, compliance becomes voluntary rather than forced. They stop feeling managed and start feeling like partners.
And here’s the deeper, relational truth beneath all of this:
Your response teaches people who they are allowed to be with you.
Are they allowed to be imperfect?
To learn in real time?
To ask questions without fear?
To recalibrate without being labeled as a problem?
Or does one misstep redefine how you see them?
People will rise — or shrink — to meet the expectations you communicate. If your response says, “I trust you to learn from this,” they usually do. If your response says, “I no longer trust you,” they stop taking initiative altogether.
Handled well, a rule-breaking moment becomes a trust-building moment. It becomes an opportunity to clarify expectations, reinforce alignment, and strengthen the relationship.
After all, real leadership doesn’t even show up until there is a challenge. Leadership is easy when everyone is perfect, agrees with everything you say, and never makes a mistake. So in the end, these challenges are your real opportunity to shine and show your moxy as a leader.
And when trust is preserved, something important becomes possible: healthy conflict. The kind where people are willing to speak up, challenge ideas, and work through differences without fear — which is exactly where we’re headed next.
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash
