We were talking last week about leading and parenting and how to empower those that we lead, but what happens when there’s no alignment between your story and theirs? What do you do?
In a professional setting, ask yourself this: Are you interested in helping them figure out their own stories? If you are, then it’s time to step into a coaching role. I have found with most clients that come to me because they hate their job/boss/peers end up staying where they are and loving it, not because the job/boss/peers have changed, but because they have gotten clear about what they wanted, the story they wanted to be able to tell with their life, and found that with a simple shift or two (or more) they were able to find their story where they were.
If you haven’t the time/interest/desire to do that work with an individual, then you have two choices: get them help through an outside source or let them go. I think you’ll often find, however, that once people understand that the story they want to tell doesn’t align with where they are professionally, and it can’t be brought into focus, they will make the choice to leave on their own because they know this isn’t the place for them.
Parenting, on the other hand, is tougher. It’s hard to “fire” our kids no matter what age they are. Therefore, you need to be able to have that adult conversation about your story and theirs. You know the story you, as a parent, want to tell with your life, your home, your kids… But how can you reconcile with a kid whose story doesn’t align with yours? If they’re living in your home, maybe they need to move out. If they’re not living there, and if they’re not taking responsibility in the way that you see needs to happen, first try to understand their perspective (in the spirit of Stephen Covey). If they are able to clearly define their desires in a way that you can understand and it still doesn’t align with what you want from them, then it might be time for you to let go. This doesn’t mean you let go of the person or your love for them or even your relationship with them—this means letting go of your own need to “fix them” or help them. It is letting go of your responsibility for their responsibilities. Remember–we can’t make anyone do anything. My dad used to say, “You’re right. I can’t make you. But I can make you wish you would have.” If you’re resorting to such responses with the adult kids in your life, are you really leading? Perhaps what your adult children are saying is that they don’t see you as a leader they want to follow. Is that something you can handle? After all, even the best of leaders; Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Lincoln, Clinton… had detractors. Are you willing to meet them where they are so that you at least have the chance to lead, rather than insisting on them coming over to your side?
Leadership: it’s more about connecting than convincing.
