Everyone is born with the gift of leadership—even your child, as hard as that may sometimes be to believe in the midst of a full-scale tantrum.
Yes, everyone is born with this gift. And one of the myriad of responsibilities we hold as a parent is to help our children cultivate the courage to unwrap it. How do we do that when we can’t even seem to get them to clean their room? Here are five powerful steps for you to take with your emerging leader. (Psst: By the way, these can work with adults as well!)
1. Embrace the mistakes. In the busyness of schedules and the shortness of time, it is often easier to tell our kids what we want of them rather than letting them do things on their own, make mistakes and cleaning up after them. Look, I get it, there is simply not enough time for every moment to be a learning moment–and yet every moment can help engage your emerging leader. Think about it this way: even as adults, if we are constantly being told what to do so we don’t err or slow things down, our muscle for discernment and effective decision making will atrophy. Eventually we will fail to see ourselves as valuable with opinions and ideas that matter. So watch your language in this one, because it’s easy to react to mistakes with disappointment or frustration instead of acceptance and neutrality. Remember, leaders make mistakes – lots of them – and if they aren’t, then they ain’t trying hard enough! So catch your children doing things a leader would do – intelligent risks, courageous acts of expression, thinking, challenge and self advocacy – and make a point to compliment them on it. A leader makes choices. A leader would do their homework or a chore without being asked; a child maybe not so often, so when they do, notice it! A leader asks questions with insatiable curiosity. Kids do too, and when they do, notice it, name it and identify it occasionally as a trait of leadership. The more you do the more they will understand and see themselves to be a leader – and self perception is paramount.
2. Give them choices. Taking step #1 one step further: challenge them to make a choice. It can be as simple as, “Are you going to do your homework now, or after dinner?” What sounds trivial becomes an act of empowerment. They choose whether they’re going to work now and play later, or play now and work later. It gives them the sense they are the leader of their life, whether they recognize it as such or not—and again, self-perception is paramount. As parents we too often tell children what to do, instead of engaging them in their own life. Let your actions teach them that they are indeed a leader.
3. Practice the art of reflection. The more we can reflect back to our kids our experience of them – without judgement – and verify that who they are being is who they intend to be, the more they will grow to understand how they’re coming across to the world. They can’t control how others experience them, but when they become aware of it they have both insight and choice. That awareness can inform how or if they want to change their behavior. “Hey, Johnny, I’m experiencing you as very sarcastic right now. Is it your intention to be sarcastic?” If he says no: “Oh, well that’s how you are coming across. What did you intend?” and they have the opportunity to explain their intentions and possibly change their actions. If they say yes: “Oh, well, you achieved your goal.” Try it without retribution. Reflecting that back without judgement will give them the choice to find their best self.
4. Engage your child in casual conversations over time about leadership. Some of the simplest questions to ask can be the most beneficial to our children. Ask them: What is leadership? Do they know anyone, famous or personal, who lives up to that definition? Can they define what makes that person a leader? Is that who they want to be? Get them to name and think about leadership from a conscious and applicable perspective of behavior.
5. Find out what your child values. Engage them in conversation about the things they value in the world. Questioning them about this will help them understand themselves, and will help you understand them as well. That which we value affects every single decision we make. This is why I personally choose to coach my clients using the Core Values Index: it speaks to the idea of values, how we make decisions, how we engage with the world, and the kind of leader we’ll be. If you are interested in learning more about the Core Values Index and how I use it in coaching, click here.
