I was recently asked if I am a musician, to which I answered without hesitation – “No.”It wasn’t until some time later that I realized I have played piano for over 15 years, performed at two weddings and publicly at several conferences, and received rave reviews for my custom, “unrecognizable” music. I am a musician, perhaps not in any traditional sense, but what in the world does that mean? What other ways am I limiting myself, convinced that I am not something that I very much am and want to be?
As I thought about how reluctant I was to own any truth about me actually being a musician, I began thinking about the limits so many of my clients and LQM attendees place on themselves, the power of labels and why it is so challenging for people to see the obstacle. Then I realized, it’s the same reason that the eye can not see itself, or the tooth cannot bite itself or the knife cannot cut itself. These limiting thoughts are no longer thoughts, they are no longer external objects to be examined, tested or dissected, they have become the very person holding them.
When I secretly wish I were a particular “something,’ such as a musician, and I declare that “I’m not a musician,” then I have already passed judgment on myself and accepted the sentence. The starting point from then on has nothing to do with whether or not that statement is true because truth no longer has anything to do with it. I may very well say, “I wish I could sing or play piano or paint,” but I never believe in the possibility. Little do I actually know that I absolutely can. It’s like Thomas Edison said: ” If we all did things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.”
Who do you know that won’t paint because they think they’re not an artist, who won’t sing because they believe they can’t, who won’t dance because they claim to have no rhythm? Who do you know that would do something big, if only… if only they were more talented, smarter, prettier, faster, more brave or less inhibited? What are all the places people won’t go because they simply can’t get there from their current place of thinking? Who would they be if they had the courage to give up who they think they are for who they want to become? Here are three steps that can help begin the transformation:
1) Take the judgment out of it
Who would you be if your performance wasn’t judged as good or bad? Once we place judgment on ourselves or others we set in stone what we forevermore call a “truth.” “No, it’s true,” we say, “I’m a terrible artist.” Or, “trust me, I can NOT sing.” That’s not “truth.” At least it’s not permanent truth, and yet we treat it as such. As a result, we cease to be open and curious, cease seeking a deeper understanding and cease considering that our assessment may be wrong. Instead, it becomes the foundation of the thought about who we are, and every action taken from that point forward starts from that place where the judgment left us, regardless of its accuracy. If you want to be a singer, artist, dancer… then you are, judgments rooted in good and bad assessments of your talent have nothing to do with it. Once you can accept that you are how you want to see yourself, without the judgment of good or bad, then you will always be asking yourself “how can I be better?” Insatiable curiosity is far more empowering than judgment.
2) Name what you would like to be
Once the judgment is gone it’s no longer a question of whether you are good or bad. The question becomes , who would you be, or how might music or art, etc. play a role in your life? How might you engage with your children if your fear of what you are not, didn’t get in your way? Gandhi said to be the change you wish to see in the world. What kind of impact could you have on those around you if you lived without limits, without judgment, without settling? Identify that and a world of possibilities begins to open up.
3) Drop the expectation
We have expectations about ourselves and others and about how we all should behave and respond. When we don’t get the response we “expect” it can throw us for quite the loop. We have expectations for how a boss should respond to a job well done, or a spouse to a kind surprise. We have an expectation for how our acts of bravery should be treated and how our works of art should be reviewed. When expectations fail to materialize it can lead to embarrassment, anger, frustration, judgment, doubt… What makes expectations so dangerous is that they pose as rational reality. In our head they make perfect sense. Few people can live up to our expectations. Not because they are incapable, but because they simply don’t know or understand the expectations or rules of engagement. If we expect someone to behave in a particular way, then we have to be absolutely positive that we have explained that to them from the start. Then, let go of their response. Even if they fail to live up to our expectations, that is not a cause for self-judgment, anger, disappointment, etc.
Expectations do play a vital role. They help us formulate how we want to be in a given situation and what we want to be looking for in an outcome. They are windows, not evidence, so ask yourself what expectations you have throughout the day and examine how they are impacting your experience, happiness, emotions and opinions of yourself. If unmet expectations leave you angry, sad, frustrated, confused or embarrassed, then ask yourself who you would be without the expectation. Since unmet expectations seldom, if ever, impact the person who failed to meet your expectation, take back the control. Instead of expectations, simply respond to the moment with insatiable curiosity, looking for all the things that went well, the lesson, insights and gifts. There is tremendous power in unmet expectations when you can be conscious enough to see it.
What places won’t you go to because of doubt, limiting beliefs or judgments about yourself that seem so true? If things “were different” would you really want to go there? For me, I’ve decided that I am a musician, dog gonnet! I am also an artist and a singer and a philosopher and more; not because of the quality of my output, but because of the pleasure it gives me to think of myself that way. Now when I sit down to a piano and close my eyes, or find myself staring through the keys, I have come to realize that what I actually see is music. Beautiful music. Written there on a part of my soul that is all mine. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, or even if they say anything at all, because it makes my heart sing, and that’s the only reason I play.
Celebrate what you are, notice what you have always wished you were and then claim it as yours without judgment, without expectation. Believe that if you are willing to let go of what you think you are, you will become the person you always wanted to be. Then imagine the places you WILL go.
