When was the last time you asked someone, “Why did you do that?” Did you get the response you wanted? Probably not. That’s because the simple act of asking “why” triggers a primal reaction: defensiveness.
Whether we mean to or not, questions that begin with “why” almost always come across as accusatory. They assume a truth and force the other person to justify their actions, regardless of whether that truth is accurate, leading to a cycle of defensiveness that prevents productive conversation.
Consider this scenario: a parent asks their child, “Why did you break the lamp?” The child immediately feels the need to defend themselves, responding with excuses or avoiding the conversation entirely because the question holds no possibility that they did, in fact, not break the lamp. And because we, of course, “know” they broke the lamp, we interpret anything other than an act of confession or explanation as a lie. If it turns out that the dog, in fact, broke the lamp, we feel bad — and we’ve unnecessarily undermined trust with our child.
Similarly, in adult relationships — be it in families or workplaces — the “why” question almost always puts people on the defensive. The truth isn’t even on the table anymore; it’s buried beneath layers of justification and assumptions.
So, how do we break this cycle? It starts with asking better questions — ones that encourage reflection instead of defensiveness. For instance, instead of asking, “Why did you break the lamp?” try, “How did the lamp get broken?” Instead of “Why did you miss the deadline?” try, “Are you aware you missed the deadline?” This slight shift removes the implied judgment and invites the other person to share their perspective. Any likely more of the truth because they feel less at risk because you sound more curious than accusatory. The broken lamp really could have been an accident, or something truly legitimate might have delayed the project. If such truths are accurate, you get there faster without damaging the relationship or breaking trust.
In our personal lives, whether it’s in our families or at work, learning to ask the right questions — questions that encourage dialogue instead of defensiveness — can change the entire dynamic of our relationships. It’s not about finding fault; it’s about fostering empathy and understanding.
The next time you encounter dysfunction and breakdowns in communication — at work or at home — start by checking your “why” questions at the door. The results might surprise you.
P.S. — I have an opening for a new client, and referrals are the heart of my business. If you know a team that could benefit from improvements in Communication, Trust & Accountability, your referral would be greatly appreciated.
Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash
