In Season 2, Episode 10 of Ted Lasso, Rebecca’s mom asks the age-old question, “…when all’s said and done, what’s more important, being loving or being right?”
As leaders, we often face that dilemma, and right often wins when it’s a choice. But the real answer isn’t either/or. It’s both. The deeper question is how.
First, I want to be honest about something. Some leaders genuinely don’t care whether they’re liked, and they don’t lose sleep over who gets hurt along the way. I hope that’s a rare breed, and I wouldn’t call what they do leadership in any meaningful sense. I believe collateral damage matters. I believe that who we hurt — and that we hurt people — in the course of leading is something worth taking seriously.
But I’d be dishonest if I pretended that being liked should be the primary goal of leadership, because it can’t be. Even Jesus himself couldn’t win them all. If the Son of God couldn’t please everyone, who are we as leaders to think we can? Some decisions will make people unhappy. Some truths need to be said, even when they land hard. Some moments don’t allow you to be right and loved in the same breath. Being loved and being loving are not synonymous.
The goal isn’t to be liked. The goal is to lead in a way that’s both honest and humane — and to understand that those things aren’t actually in conflict.
Think about Ted Lasso’s most famous flaw — the one the show itself names. He doesn’t care about wins and losses. The show presents it as a virtue, and in many ways it is. But a professional sports team that’s paid a lot of money to compete has to care about wins and losses. A good leader, paid to lead, has to care about getting things right. Warmth without rigor isn’t fully leadership. It’s just kindness.
What leaders can get wrong is thinking that the two are in tension. That being honest requires being cold. That delivering hard truth requires distance. That caring about people and caring about results are competing priorities that have to be balanced against each other.
They’re not.
The leaders who do this well — who can be right and be loving in the same breath — do something other leaders skip. They build the relationship before they need it. They create the environment before the hard conversation has to happen. By the time there’s a difficult truth to deliver, the person on the receiving end already knows, from consistent experience, that this leader is for them. That honesty comes from care, not from cruelty.
That’s not a soft skill. That’s one of the hardest things to build and sustain in leadership.
The question isn’t whether you can be right and loving at the same time. You can. The question is whether you’ve done the work — long before the hard moment — that makes that combination believable.
If you’re navigating that balance in your own leadership and would like a thought partner, I’d love to connect.
Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash
